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Vacancies2I’ve reached a point after 4 fruitless years of job-searching.  I’ve decided that the next job application I fill out/write in will be incredibly honest.  This is what I think it might look like:

“Hi, I’m Charlotte.  I’m over forty and desperate for a job after 4 years of sitting about getting fat and frustrated.  Unlike all the other people that are going to trumpet on that they’re so blessedly marvellous and perfect for the job you’re offering, I intend to describe myself with blunt honesty rather than flowery phrases taken from a ‘how to get the job of your dreams’ manual.

I spent a lot of my time at school goofing around, but still passed everything well; except for Accounting and Economics classes.  Once I hit tertiary education, I did much the same, but the goofing off was more a coffee and carrot cake kind rather than jellybabies and an internationally famous brand of fizzy drink.  The other major difference was that I passed both Accounting and Economics at this higher level – who’d have imagined it?!

I hit the workplace in my early 20’s, and spent 7 years as a glorified filing robot on the lower ground floor of a major hospital.  I then took 3 years off to goof off at the aforementioned tertiary education.  After a 9 month government funded holiday, I again got work at the exact same hospital, on the exact same floor.  The major change was I had an office to myself and I had moved along the corridor some 20 metres.  I spent 7 years in that role, ignoring phone calls, organising free food that was paid for by drug pushers, writing online fan-fiction, and maintaining my prodigious skill at continually performing concussive therapy on a P.O.S photocopier.

I’m  as punctual as a constipated sloth and I’m sure there’s more reliability to be had from the Bangladeshi transit system.  I’m blunt and opinionated, so team-work is out.
However, having had 2 jobs with 7 year durations, it’s clear I’m loyal, so you know that for the next 20+ years of my remaining work-life;  should you give me a job and a reasonable wage; I will work my fat arse off, attempt to be punctual, reliable and a team-player.  I’ll only drink coffee on the designated break times and avoid jellybabies, fizzy drinks and carrot cake.   I also promise to try not to fart, burp or swear.  Sweating is something that I unfortunately do here in Australia, but your business has airconditioning, right?

So, help this fat and over-forty woman regain her dignity, self respect and a little of her former capacity to save for a home and spend on an occasional CD or novel – or better yet, underwear – by not only acknowledging receipt of this application but giving me an interview, (I’m unemployed, I can be there for interviews a 7am after all).  Then, when you realise that you won’t find another candidate with my sense of humour or skill, contact me again and offer me the job.

Yours bluntly
Charlotte Undery (nee Verdonk – which I tell you because all my qualifications are in my maiden name…just in case that wasn’t clear or something.)”

I like how it reads…I wonder if I’m daring enough to actually use it though?