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I’ve been tidying up my online presence lately.  This was a blog I found on one of my Multiply pages,  2008-2009 vintage, that really should be shared here too – particularly as it was an OOC (out of character) post for that page.  Out of character?  Yes, I created Multiply pages for my writing characters!

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What is Fnorkit?   It’s a word.  That conveys a sound. (the correct adjective for such a word eludes me right now, due to the tea being cold)  And no small amount of laughter if the comedian delivering the monologue can do so with a poker face.

The story behind the word comes from an old tv comedy monologue on The Carol Burnett Show involving siamese twin baby elephants with a cold.  The poor creatures were joined at the trunk you see, and when they caught a cold, it was horrid, as due to the fact neither really had a nose, whenever they sneezed it sounded a lot like “Fnorkit”.  I forget who the comedian was telling the joke, but he was good.  Real good.  Even Carol Burnett was near rolling from laughter in reaction. [addendum April 2011:  The comedian responsible was Tim Conway – Thanks to Paula for remembering!]

In 2003, I took a trip to visit friends, and I retold the fnorkit story.  Not as successfully, but from that trip, fnorkit and it’s associated word fnork, entered my everyday vocabulary.  Here’s what I came up with one dull winters day in 2003 as a result:

Fnorkit Fun with Harry Potter:

1. “Fnorkin’ Cornish pixies?!” [Derisive laughter at Gilderoy’s sad attempt at his first class]

2. “I see someone fnorking leaving us this year…” [the teacher who was left out – for obvious reasons! LOL!]

3. “Fnorking prancing showpony, I’ll fnork him but good…” [Snape’s thoughts on stepping up on the fencing table with Gilderoy Lockhart]

4. “I told you you’d do well in Slytherin, and I’m not about to change that fnorking opinion.” [The Sorting Hat in Dumbledore’s study when Harry asks if it made the right decision.]

5. “Fnorkit!” [Ron’s wand breaks]

6. “Expellifnorkhim!” [Snape disarms and has Lockhart pinned to the wall by his testicles]

7. “Haarryyy…Can we get the fnork outta here???” [Ron to Harry in Aragog’s hollow]

8. “If Hagrid gets out of Azkaban, I’m gonna fnorking kill him!!” [Ron, after the hollow episode]

9. “There will be no waving of wands or fnorking idiotic incantations in this class….” [Snape…as usual]

10. “Fnorking Phoenix!” [Translation of Parseltongue as spoken by Basilisk in the Chamber]

11. “The master has given Dobby a sock…Dobby is free! Fnork you, Malfoy!” *Dobby raises his finger in the universal gesture of  ‘you’re an idiot’* [’nuff said]

12. “I’ll fnorking deal with you later…” [Lucius Malfoy to Dobby on entering Dumbledore’s study]

13. “Cor, a fnorking great silver sword!” [Harry’s thoughts as he battles the Basilisk]

14. “Will you stop your fnorking moaning, Myrtle?!” [Ron’s complaint after visiting the girls loo for a month]

15. “Who let the fnorking great spider out of the box, huh, Hagrid?!”

16. “…Doing irreparable damage to a Whomping Willow that has stood on these grounds since before you were fnorking born!” [Snape telling Harry and Ron off on arrival]

17. “I’m going to bed, before you do something that gets us into trouble…or worse – fnorked!” [Hermione gets hormonal]

Fnorkit Fun with LOTR:

1. “I can’t seem to avoid getting fnorking things stuck into me…” [Frodo complaining at Rivendell about being stabbed repeatedly]

2. “He has fallen into shadow…. Didn’t he take that fnorking great torch with him this time?” [Gladriel in Lothlorien]

3. “Fnork off, I’m brooding…. Can’t you see I’m fnorking brooding?” [Legolas to Sam in Lothlorien during the Lament for Gandalf]

4. “Where the fnork’d he go??” [Frodo at Bilbo’s vanishing act.]

5. “Fnorkit! You don’t give up, do you?” [Saruman when Gandalf takes a poke at him with his staff in the Tower]

6. “There is only one fnorking Lord of the Ring, and he does not share power…” [Gandalf leaps from the Tower to safety]

7. “She knows a fnorkwit when she sees one, Sam…” [Frodo tries to cheer Mr Gamgee up on the way home from the pub]

8. “Oh for fnork’s sake, will you two just find a room and fnork for a week or two?” [all the other elves complaining about Arwen and Aragorn moping about Rivendell]

9. “What the fnork do you expect us to do now???” [Aragorn’s thoughts upon seeing the Balrog in Moria]

10. “This peril belongs to all Middle Earth, and they can fnorking deal with it.” [Elrond to Gandalf at Rivendell]

11. “Why can’t the local police pick them up for fnorking stalking?!!” [Frodo, after Aragorn cheerfully tells him the Nazgul will never stop hunting him]

12. “If he doesn’t know about second breakfast, how the fnork did he get so big???” [Pippin on the trek to Rivendell]  “I got so big because I didn’t fnork about with second breakfasts, nitwit Hobbit…” Pippin, more quietly….”And fnorking unnaturally long ears for a human too!”  Merry….”That’s not the only unnaturally long thing about him Pip…”

13. “A rope? A fnorking rope? Everyone else got a fnorking sword, and you give me a rope?!” [Sam feels left out at gift-time]

14. “It will glow whenever there’s a fnorking big orc about…” [Bilbo gives Frodo Sting]

15. “I’m giving it to you! Fnorking take it!” [Frodo tries to fob the ring off on Gandalf]

16. “Yeah, right, it’s not going to be fnorking hot after you pull it from the fire! Do I look like a fnorkwit?” [What Frodo was thinking when Gandalf told him to see if the ring had changed after being in the fire.]

17. “And what did you hear, you fnorking eavesdropping garden-gnome?!” [Gandalf scares the beejaysus out of Sam at Bag End]

18. “What the fnork new devilry is this?” [Boromir in Moria when first sighting Balrog]

19. “Have you fnorking well listened to nothing Lord Elrond has said?” [Legolas getting sick of Boromir’s stupidity at Rivendell]

20. “I’m fnorked.” [What Aragorn thought watching all those Uruk-hai come at him]

21. “A palantir is a fnorking dangerous tool….” [Gandalf, getting the first hints that he may be fnorked with Saruman]

22. “The fnorking Horn of Gondor!” [Legolas points out the obvious during the battle]

23. “I’ll go…Will you all just fnorking well shut up and listen?!  I’ll go…” [Frodo makes Gandalf giggle at the council in Rivendell]

24. “One more fnorking step and it will be the farthest I’ve ever been from home…” [Sam gets homesick, 2 miles from Hobbiton]

25. “What the Fnork?!” [Any of the characters, on meeting the Ring-Wraiths for the first time.]

26. “Oh god, Cut! Would someone PLEASE get Viggo a fnorking breathmint?!” [Boromir/Sean Bean gets twitchy about his death scene ending.]

27. “You cannot wield it. None of us here can. The ring has one Master alone, fnorkwit.” (What Aragorn REALLY wanted to say at the Council of Rivendell)

28. “We’re about to get fnorked. I can feel it.” (Legolas, just before it hits the fan and Boromir is killed)

29. “Give them a moment, for fnork’s sake!” [Boromir on the snowfields after Gandalf’s demise]

30. “My Fnorkittttt. My pretty Fnorkittttt…” (Gollum. Goes without saying.]

31. “You shall not…*thrusts staff into the stone, splits staircase* …Fnorkit…” [Gandalf realises his error in forgetting his parachute and having good fire insurance]

32. “Would you fnorking hobbits leave the fnorking fireworks alone?!” [Gandalf loses his cool at Bilbo’s Birthday]

33. “They’ve got a fnorking cave troll…” [Boromir, in Moria, trying to bolt the door.]

34. “He told me ‘don’t you fnorking leave him alone, Sam Gamgee, do you fnorking hear me?’…And I won’t Mr Frodo…”Fnorkit, you can’t swim, Sam!” [Sam & Frodo, doing the elfboat thing.]

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